On May 31 at 3 pm I started going into labor. I figured I had plenty of time before the contractions really kicked in. I sat on the couch with my mom and Chris trying to eat a little chicken soup when they started hitting me harder than earlier. I was in active labor before I knew it.
By 11 pm I was 7 centimeters dilated and we thought we may be having this baby in a couple of hours. As the sun rose on the next morning labor continued to be hard. My cervix was in the way of letting the baby come down and be born. We tried many positions and did cervical massage with evening prim rose oil and arnica. My cervix was not letting go of his little head. That day for me was the hardest day I had ever endured. Not only was I amazed by my own inner strength and will power but, also that of my loving birth team around me. Having my mom's loving hands to soothe and caress me during scary or painful times was something I never knew I needed as much as I did that day. The love I felt for my husband had overwhelmed me. I remembered looking into his eyes and grabbing a hold of some extra strength that I needed. The calming loving voices from Mason and Liesl my midwives grounded me and kept me focused. However at 7pm June 1st we knew we had exhausted every method possible. We headed for John Muir Hospital. I was given Pitocin and 4 hours to labor even harder. I refused the epidural in hope that the pitocin alone would do the trick. The pitocin was insane and made the contractions unbearable. I went ahead with an epidural around 11pm. The doctor told me he would use a vacuum to pull the babies head down so I could push him out. We all thought this would be easy. It was midnight and I was told at 12:30 The doctor would come in I would push with the use of the vacuum and we may have this baby after all. The darn cervix was still in the way. It was getting caught in the doctors vacuum. We had to move forward once again on to a cesarean delivery.
Leaving the hospital room on my way to the surgery I cried out with fear and defeat. I was so angry my body could not do what I had wanted it to do. I was scared of the surgery. I was scared of the unknown. The loving arms of my mom wrapped around me and told me never think like that. You are amazing she said you did everything for the baby you could. Chris kissed me told me how proud he was of me. He would be right by me and not to worry. I also had prayers and love coming from the waiting room. There in the hospital waiting room we had our whole family. Sitting and praying and waiting to know we were all okay. I have never knew love like this before. The bright lights of the room were never what I had imagined for the birth of my baby. I remember laying there with warm hot tears streaming down my face falling to the floor. I laid so still and almost empty. I had Chris's eyes to look up at and comfort me. I said little to him but he knew when I needed a little kiss on the forehead to make it all alright. I love his eyes. He is the best thing I had ever been blessed with in my life. Until June 2nd 1:33am we were given a son. Julian Mark we named him.
Our little boy worked as hard as I did he needed a few days to recover in the infant care nursery. That was so hard not having the instant time to bond together.
Once in our room we could bond as a family. We both had tears of joy. Tears of excitement. Tears of unbelievable love.
On June 5th we left the hospital. I will never forget leaving the parking lot. I started to cry as we drove away. The birth was not how I planned it. It was much harder than I ever wanted it. I knew my family and some friends wondered why I ever tried for a home birth. I tried because I believe that it can be done and a home is the best place for it. I was very comfortable in my home the time I spent there. I had so much freedom to move and do what I needed to feel good. I had the best labor team possible and I will never forget that. I realize that this is my labor story and every women who has had a baby has one too. It may only be significant to me. And that is just fine. I am so happy to be home and have my little family together. Life is good!
On May 31 at 3 pm I started going into labor. I figured I had plenty of time before the contractions really kicked in. I sat on the couch with my mom and Chris trying to eat a little chicken soup when they started hitting me harder than earlier. I was in active labor before I knew it.
By 11 pm I was 7 centimeters dilated and we thought we may be having this baby in a couple of hours. As the sun rose on the next morning labor continued to be hard. My cervix was in the way of letting the baby come down and be born. We tried many positions and did cervical massage with evening prim rose oil and arnica. My cervix was not letting go of his little head. That day for me was the hardest day I had ever endured. Not only was I amazed by my own inner strength and will power but, also that of my loving birth team around me. Having my mom's loving hands to soothe and caress me during scary or painful times was something I never knew I needed as much as I did that day. The love I felt for my husband had overwhelmed me. I remembered looking into his eyes and grabbing a hold of some extra strength that I needed. The calming loving voices from Mason and Liesl my midwives grounded me and kept me focused. However at 7pm June 1st we knew we had exhausted every method possible. We headed for John Muir Hospital. I was given Pitocin and 4 hours to labor even harder. I refused the epidural in hope that the pitocin alone would do the trick. The pitocin was insane and made the contractions unbearable. I went ahead with an epidural around 11pm. The doctor told me he would use a vacuum to pull the babies head down so I could push him out. We all thought this would be easy. It was midnight and I was told at 12:30 The doctor would come in I would push with the use of the vacuum and we may have this baby after all. The darn cervix was still in the way. It was getting caught in the doctors vacuum. We had to move forward once again on to a cesarean delivery.
Leaving the hospital room on my way to the surgery I cried out with fear and defeat. I was so angry my body could not do what I had wanted it to do. I was scared of the surgery. I was scared of the unknown. The loving arms of my mom wrapped around me and told me never think like that. You are amazing she said you did everything for the baby you could. Chris kissed me told me how proud he was of me. He would be right by me and not to worry. I also had prayers and love coming from the waiting room. There in the hospital waiting room we had our whole family. Sitting and praying and waiting to know we were all okay. I have never knew love like this before. The bright lights of the room were never what I had imagined for the birth of my baby. I remember laying there with warm hot tears streaming down my face falling to the floor. I laid so still and almost empty. I had Chris's eyes to look up at and comfort me. I said little to him but he knew when I needed a little kiss on the forehead to make it all alright. I love his eyes. He is the best thing I had ever been blessed with in my life. Until June 2nd 1:33am we were given a son. Julian Mark we named him.
Our little boy worked as hard as I did he needed a few days to recover in the infant care nursery. That was so hard not having the instant time to bond together.
Once in our room we could bond as a family. We both had tears of joy. Tears of excitement. Tears of unbelievable love.
On June 5th we left the hospital. I will never forget leaving the parking lot. I started to cry as we drove away. The birth was not how I planned it. It was much harder than I ever wanted it. I knew my family and some friends wondered why I ever tried for a home birth. I tried because I believe that it can be done and a home is the best place for it. I was very comfortable in my home the time I spent there. I had so much freedom to move and do what I needed to feel good. I had the best labor team possible and I will never forget that. I realize that this is my labor story and every women who has had a baby has one too. It may only be significant to me. And that is just fine. I am so happy to be home and have my little family together. Life is good!
5 comments:
Hey you! I have been waiting for this post. I totally understand how hard it is when you plan out your labor and it does not go as planned. I went through those same emotions that you are feeling. Like you failed as a woman. You feel gulity somehow. But, I have come to realize after almost 13 years of motherhood, that some women just give birth easier than others...I wish I could of just popped them out like some but, nope..couldn't do it.
You are amazing... you have only just begun on the wonderful ups and downs of motherhood. Don't let this get you down...your mom is right...you did everything you could...
We are so glad Mr. Julian is here and that you are both home and well....we love you guys very much!
What a story! I can't believe that you labored that long with no pain meds. I tried with Hailee with out the pain meds and only made it 9 hours before I had an epidural. I can't imagine DAYS! You are amazing.
You and Chris are going to be great parents. Your family is so cute. I can't wait to see more pivtures of the cute little guy. I love the name. He has a lot to live up to with it. I am sure he will.
Love you guys. Get lots of rest...and kisses :)
Oh LISA! What a birth story! I know some of the emotions you feel, Josh was SO hard to get out, I had to push for 3 stinkin' hours, and then they had to use the vaccuum too: which was kind of horrible if you ask me. I was so scared of the vaccuum and what it could do to his little head, I bawled. AND THEN the two nurses had to push on my belly and I just ripped into 2 pieces. It was VERY traumatic and very upsetting, but the end result was worth it and lo and behold, I just popped that second baby out like nobodys business. ;) I was nice and stretched out.
Look at that beautiful Julian. He is gorgeous, just love him and love him... because that precious first few weeks just goes by so fast and before you know it you are on to big boy things. I miss those tender times SO MUCH! Relish in them, just breathe them in.
You did the best you could. Don't feel defeat, you were such a good momma to try your hardest for your baby, that's what momma's are supposed to do. You did what you were supposed to do.
Love, emily
And OH, I changed my blog address:
www.littlemommaandcompany.blogspot.com
Hi Lisa - Mike and I were getting updates through Bonnie during your labor. I just wanted you to know we were praying for your family, for a healthy baby and a healthy mom. We wanted to give you some time to get home and recover. We would love to come congratulate you in person when you're up for it.
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